Holy crap….

Wow, what a difference a couple of months makes!

I called time on Trouble. He’s a good person but everything I initially found appealing started to irritate me so we came to a very amicable end. Kind of? A week later he was in a bind and had to leave where he was living. Very long story short….obviously I offered him a place to stay. We are sharing a bed, but don’t have sex.I have reminded him that it’s most definitely temporary. His daughter had major surgery yesterday, so from next week hopefully he can get his act together and find a home. I’m emotionally supporting him through a difficult time…daughter recovering while his ex makes life hell every minute he is at the hospital. 

G-Man and I are managing to stay mates. That’s a good thing because he too needs my emotional support right now. His son….my beautiful Tama-J…died last week. G-Man is facing an ex who is making it very difficult for him to even attend his son’s funeral. 😦

I am quite drained but these are unavoidable circumstances so I will just keep doing what I do. If I have learned one thing, it’s that I am seemingly a fucking awesome ex….there are some evil bitches out there!

Princess is now living the sometimes difficult life of a single mum. It’s tough, but she will do just fine.

The Protester is protesting big time. Trying to embark on a life that she doesn’t quite yet know what she wants it to hold. She too will be fine.

Me? I’m tired. I have had plenty of moments lately where I have actually stopped believing. Moments where work, money worries, the daily grind…have had me wanting to run. Moments where, in trying to be there for everybody else, have almost seen me at physical collapse. Tired. I am tired.

Right now I will lay, watch a movie, recharge my batteries….and start believing again.

Don’t stop believing. xxx

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…..and exhale!

Well, it’s been a little while since I’ve updated and I’m not quite sure where to begin. I had a string of coffee/wine dates that had potential. A couple of “other” dates that served a purely physical purpose. I also had a little group of people I communicated with along the same lines as Tiger….fun, harmless, filthy and absolutely positively never to be met face-face! Three very different groups of men that each had a role in my life, but none that crossed over from one group to another. Until one crazy day a few weeks ago….

I had been chatting to a cheeky young man I had named Trouble. Trouble was most definitely in the 3rd group. Never, ever to be met in the flesh. Trouble however, had a way of getting in my head. Challenging me. He almost dared me to meet him….for one strictly physical night. He called me out on my bullshit and told me how ridiculous it was that one man couldn’t belong to all my little groups. Tried to convince me that it was possible to have a “1, 2 and 3” all rolled into one. Anyway 10 minutes into our meeting, stars aligned, clouds parted, rainbows appeared….and he has been by my side ever since! He’s younger than me, which seems to bother me…but not him. He’s a free-thinking positive person that wants to change the world in his own way. He encourages my fairytale, supports my relentless Pollyanna attitude and makes beautiful believable. He knows my worth without question and values my thoughts. He has set me free to be my true self….and I’m loving it. You haven’t heard anything about him, and you may not. Whatever “this” is may last a month, a year or a lifetime…all I know is that it’s an important and pivotal relationship that I know will affect the rest of my life. For anyone that has known me throughout my life, imagine me with a fellow peace-loving hippy who places zero importance on material things. Who wants to chain himself to trees, lives by no rules and knows that harmony in the mind and emotions is paramount to physical good health. A man that likes that I’m a dreamer, challenges my mind, will do anything to keep me smiling, captures my mind, eye and body? If you know who I am….then you will know how truly at peace I am. How finally, finally, finally I am allowed to exhale! That’s cool. 🙂

Briefly in other news….Princess is cruising along as mum to the simply adorable Prince. Glamma is still adjusting, but I’m getting there.❤

The Protester is riding her usual rollercoaster and dragging me along with her. She’s facing challenges that unfortunately I can’t always help with. We’ll be right in the end though…watch this space. 😉

G-Man severed all contact so he could move forward. Having said that, he still finds the occasional reason to send a message. Hindsight has been a great teacher for me there. I now know he didn’t treat me as well as I thought. It was a rough ride back to an acceptable level of self-worth and confidence, but now I’m there, I’m not giving it up again. I wish him well because given half a chance he can actually be a good person. I hope one day he can surround himself with people that allow that to shine.

All in all, life is good!

Don’t stop believing. xx 

💜

Loving myself…..

A strange thing happens when you start just doing it for yourself. When you behave, dress and be who you want to be, and not how you think you should be. You seem to adopt a style that is unique and comfortable…and somehow just become more attractive. I am loving myself sick right now! I don’t ever remember being so comfortable in my own skin. I walk out the door and actually feel good about how I look. I’m back into heels and makeup and I have a certain “strut” that has been missing for a long time. It feels pretty damn ok!
I’ve done my best to get rid of Cable Guy. He’s not really taking the hint, but he’s promised to give me space. 30 whole hours without his incessant texting has been bliss. He’s a really sweet man, but just no fun. I need fun.
Cameraman is still being a pest and holding onto the hope that I will change my mind about him. No chance.
I’ve actually been a bit cheeky this week and been trading raunchy texts with a very handsome man down the coast. Actually, not raunchy….just plain filthy! I don’t even know where some of the stuff I send even comes from? I must have a little devil on my shoulder! It’s fun and is not hurting anybody though so it’s all good. I will never meet him so there’s no danger involved….emotional or physical. The funny thing is, texting is filthy but in actual phone conversations we talk about ordinary things. Neither of us are quite so brave when speaking! He has a very sexy voice and we get on so well….in any other circumstance I would be super keen to meet him. We follow the same football team, so he shall be known as Tiger. 😉

So, I’m feeling great about myself and I’m amusing myself with a mysterious and fun stranger. I’m on speaking terms with G-Man (much more about that in my next post)…which we all know helps with my “harmony issues” and Summer has gone. All in all, life is bearable!

Don’t stop believing. xx

Prince…..

What a week! I am a Glam-ma!
Princess gave birth to an adorable little boy last weekend. It seems only right that we keep it royal, so for the purpose of this blog, he shall be known as Prince. ❤  It was a tough day for all concerned, but the end result was divine.
I managed to somehow miss Dumbass and his little family altogether. Not sure how that actually happened but it was a bonus.
It wasn't the original plan, but I ended up being there for the birth. I can only hope that my unusual coaching method actually did some good. I guess another unusual thing this new grandmother did was head straight from the birthing suite to a date lol. I was a little overwhelmed by Cable Guy's attention so when the Brit popped back into town and suggested a drink, I jumped at the chance. It was a little later than expected by the time I got there, but it was great to catch up with him. There's no romantic future there, but gee he makes me laugh. It was a nice relaxing end to a huge day.
The following days saw meltdowns galore. The Protester's anxiety was through the roof, Princess and her hormones were predictably nuts and I struggled with grandparenthood, persistent men and life in general. I decided to take a week off work because quite simply it was the only thing in my life I could alter to relieve some stress. I was so wound up I thought I might snap. In amongst everything stood my amazingly practical and organised mother. We are all so blessed that she is in our lives.
Cable Guy doesn't seem to want to go away. I made a decision yesterday to perhaps just give him a go? To stop chatting to everyone else and not be so frightened by his niceness. So, decision kinda made….and then a couple of hours later his flowers arrive at my door! Roses with a card saying "Thanks for being you". Awwww. I have waited my whole life to receive flowers from a man and I was touched. Admittedly, I wasn't as touched as I should be….but lukewarm is better than cold. Right?
I'm just lacking enthusiasm in everything right now….I think it's a self-preservation thing to stop me getting so overwhelmed. Anyway, we'll see what happens.

Don't stop believing. xx

Hmmm…

Soooo…I went on a second date with Cable Guy last night. Days of his constant sweet texting saw us have dinner and a stroll. Food was good. Conversation was good. Weather was good. It was good. He is polite, courteous and attentive. I’m just not feeling it. A super sweet message when I got home “thanking me for just being me” made me sigh.  Cable Guy is quite smitten…but I don’t think I am. There’s no flip floppy tummy, no excitement, no “it”. I’ll see how it pans out, but I’m really unsure.
I won’t have time to worry about him this weekend though….I have far too much going on! My Mum arrives on Friday. Princess gets induced and I will meet my grandson! And…Dumbass, the Whore and the Lust Child will be in town for the birth. I am a bundle of anxiety!  I am well and truly over Dumbass…that’s not an issue…but I have yet to face the Whore and the Lust Child so it will be interesting. I will do it and all will be fine, but it ain’t gonna be easy! I think though that it’s a good thing we are all able to do these kind of things and somehow share major events in our kids’ lives.
The next update I give you, I will be a “Glamma”…because I’m far too glamorous to be a Grandma. 😉
Wish me luck!

Don’t stop believing. xx

Ebbs and flows…

It’s been a weird kind of week.
An uneasy sense of civility has been restored with G-Man. It’s not ideal, but helps me to function in my fairyland world.
Bear has gone. He came over last weekend to hang out. The Protester wasn’t very nice to him….for all her faults she’s not normally disrespectful to guests so it was unusual. I haven’t heard from him since but I’m not really bothered. Anybody who knows anything about me would agree that someone who has to attend court-appointed anger management really isn’t the man for me.
The Protester and I talked about things the next day….and she admitted that she probably has her own G-Man issues. She’s comparing men to G-Man and that’s not fair. It made me a little sad that she too missed the “good” G-Man.
I went out for dinner with a treasured friend midweek….ate, talked and had a good time. I’d forgotten how gentlemen act so it was a good reminder.
Anyway, organised a last minute coffee date with a man I had only just started communicating with. Met him last night, drank coffee and chatted. I brought him home, fed him dinner, watched the footy and chatted some more. He’s a “newbie” to singledom so quite timid, but very sweet. He has been very attentive and has texted all day and we’re doing dinner on Wednesday night. No “spark” as yet, but he’s interesting enough for me to want to learn more. He explained what he does for work but I kinda zoned out. It involved cables…so he will be known as Cable Guy.
It really shouldn’t have, but the week has left me feeling empty and a little weepy. Icecream helped a bit, so I’m going to assume I’m hormonal.
The next week is going to be huge! Lots going on that I will fill you in on later in the week. 😉

Don’t stop believing. xx

I drink alone….

image

The words above are the reason why things have yet again gone pear-shaped with G-Man. 😦
A very brief return to friendship went sour this week when I mistook a request for a favour from him. The best of intentions can turn around and bite you on the arse very quickly….so now we are most definitely not on speaking terms yet again.😣 The situation has confused me greatly, but without going into details, I will continue doing what I do….exercise understanding and forgiveness….no matter how difficult that may be.
It’s been a really shitty week, really. The kind of week where misery is written on your face and strangers offer a hug? I could do with a big, protective “Bear” hug, but he’s working.
The Princess called in and I snapped at her so she left. The Protester is getting cranky with me, so I am now breaking my golden rule…and having a couple of drinks by myself. Drinking is a social thing for me, so I tend to avoid it when I’m alone, but I have to say that it’s feeling ok right about now. A few glasses of wine, music, footy…and I’ll probably be in bed by 7pm. All good.:)

Don’t stop believing. xx

Sadness sucks….

I don’t know if it’s because I’m not well or the full moon or what, but today has been a horrible day. I’m so fucking sad. 😦
I’ve tried really hard to pretend that all is good but I really don’t have the energy to keep it up. The Princess sees right through the facade and so does the Protester. I guess now it’s time to stop trying to fool myself as well. I’m not dealing with the whole G-Man thing. I understand that people fall in love with others, I get that. I was just about coping with that, but I cannot cope with the loss of the friendship. I feel like I have lost my best friend. My confidante. My shelter. He had this way of grounding me, and without that I am feeling overwhelmed….unsafe. It’s weird and heartbreaking.
When the dumbass left I shutdown and went to bed for a year. I did that pretty much out of feeling like a failure, not because I missed that idiot. This is different…and worse. I genuinely enjoy G-Man’s company and I miss it so bad.I can’t listen to music anymore without sadness. I can’t even enjoy watching the footy because I hate doing it alone. I miss his company. I miss the interaction. I miss the laughter. I miss him. He may not be the person that I know right now, but I know he’s still in there.
I think the Protester is scared I’m going to fall in a heap and go to bed again because she hasn’t left me alone all day. I won’t do that though, because if G-Man has taught me anything then it’s that I’m stronger than that now.
I also know that the whole dating thing is not actually helping….it’s making me feel worse. It’s shallow and hollow when my head and my heart is somewhere completely different.
I’ve done my best to deny how I feel. Tried to not even admit it to myself….but there it is.
I will be fine, but today has been a tough day.
A good night’s sleep, back to wotk tomorrow, and everything will be right as rain. 🙂

Don’t stop believing. xx