Monthly Archives: April 2016

So tired….

Keeping with Aussie tradition, I chucked a sickie today. In breaking tradition though, I am actually sick.  😦
I’m full of the flu, oh so very tired and feel like everyone wants a piece of me.
I shall go to bed and let Missy Higgins say the rest…..

Don’t stop believing. xx


Sadness sucks….

I don’t know if it’s because I’m not well or the full moon or what, but today has been a horrible day. I’m so fucking sad. 😦
I’ve tried really hard to pretend that all is good but I really don’t have the energy to keep it up. The Princess sees right through the facade and so does the Protester. I guess now it’s time to stop trying to fool myself as well. I’m not dealing with the whole G-Man thing. I understand that people fall in love with others, I get that. I was just about coping with that, but I cannot cope with the loss of the friendship. I feel like I have lost my best friend. My confidante. My shelter. He had this way of grounding me, and without that I am feeling overwhelmed….unsafe. It’s weird and heartbreaking.
When the dumbass left I shutdown and went to bed for a year. I did that pretty much out of feeling like a failure, not because I missed that idiot. This is different…and worse. I genuinely enjoy G-Man’s company and I miss it so bad.I can’t listen to music anymore without sadness. I can’t even enjoy watching the footy because I hate doing it alone. I miss his company. I miss the interaction. I miss the laughter. I miss him. He may not be the person that I know right now, but I know he’s still in there.
I think the Protester is scared I’m going to fall in a heap and go to bed again because she hasn’t left me alone all day. I won’t do that though, because if G-Man has taught me anything then it’s that I’m stronger than that now.
I also know that the whole dating thing is not actually helping….it’s making me feel worse. It’s shallow and hollow when my head and my heart is somewhere completely different.
I’ve done my best to deny how I feel. Tried to not even admit it to myself….but there it is.
I will be fine, but today has been a tough day.
A good night’s sleep, back to wotk tomorrow, and everything will be right as rain. 🙂

Don’t stop believing. xx

Ho Hum….

It’s been a nice week of phone calls and texts from Bear, and a date last night. He suggested something fun so we went bowling. Had a lot of laughs and then went back to his place for coffee and a dvd. It was alright. Nothing earth shattering. I might persevere….I might not. We’ll see.
I’ve woken this morning feeling flat and a bit fluey. Might stay in bed for the day?
Anyway, today is ANZAC day, so my thoughts are better served elsewhere.
Lest We Forget.

Don’t stop believing. xx

Fun Time…..

It’s been an exhausting couple of weeks. I’ve devastated the Cameraman, even though I don’t even know him. I forgot all about the Brit, who’s back in town and wants to catch up….will have to find an excuse to get rid of him. I met Bear, and he’s kinda cool. I’ve had my heart broken all over again by the G-Man.
For someone who apart from a little smooch and an almost/awkward grope in recent times, has only been intimate with 2 men in the last 27 years…..I certainly have  managed to get myself in a pickle! Obviously my choice of who I would like to be intimate with is very limited now that G-Man is not a possibility.  😦   but I’m trying not to think about nunneries just yet.
Fortunately, I won’t have to think about it this weekend! I have a girlfriend visiting from home. She is an amazing woman who is stronger than anyone I know….so for the purposes of this blog, I shall call her Xena!
Unless something unexpected happens, men are off the agenda and it will be all about fun and good old-fashioned drunkenness. That wonderful kind of drinking where you don’t have to watch what you say, or check your behaviour because you are with someone who knows you so well that they won’t hold it against you. Complete and total absence of fucks given. I’m looking forward to it….a chance to exhale after holding my breath for so long.
I’ll keep you posted. ….

Don’t stop believing. xx

Spreading wings….

So, I haven’t written anything for a little while. It’s been a horrid week full of turmoil and yucky funks.
I’ve fobbed off the Cameraman with a big white lie because I didn’t want to hurt him. I think it worked. I hope so.
G-Man and I are no longer on speaking terms. Half of me is so very sad and mourning the loss of an amazing person that was a huge part of my life. I want to cry about the loss of a beautiful soul and how he made me feel.
The other half is kind of relieved. This new G-Man is so far removed from the man I knew, that I struggle to understand who he is and how he came to be. This person makes me feel like less than nothing and brings out the absolute worst in me. I don’t like it and it’s not healthy. Anyway, contact has ceased. I hope one day that some kind of mutual respect can be restored….because it was pretty special.
So now it feels as though I have shed my skin, stepped out of the shadows and I’m ready to take on the world. I feel as though my wings had been clipped….but now they’re not. I can spread those wings and truly soar.
With that forced, newfound attitude, I went on a date last night. We’ll call him Bear….because he is big and tall and cuddly like a bear. He is nice and I quite like him. He is normal! So refreshing given my recent experiences. Not even a single mention of arse-licking either. So basic and normal that I did something I never thought I would do…he drove me home to where I actually live (instead of down the road), I invited him in for a coffee….and he met the Protester. I haven’t had much faith recently in my own judgement, so I guess I wanted a second opinion to verify that he was as normal as he appeared. The Protester agreed….he is normal. Phew!
I can’t see this being the romance of the century, but he is fun and I think I will see him again. 🙂
The self-worth is on the rise.
Confidence is building.
I am on the up!

I miss the old G-Man tremendously. 😦
I don’t miss the new, icky G-Man.

Don’t stop believing. xx

An Unexpected Twist….

Well, this dating malarkey is horrible!
When I signed up to dating sites again, I wasn’t hoping for the love of my life to pop into my inbox, or even a lasting relationship. My main aim was to regain some self-esteem, get out of the house and break the relentless boredom. I wasn’t in any way worried about my dreams being crushed or feeling bad about myself. I  figured that it’s impossible to be hurt if you don’t care. Simple, right?
Here’s the twist. I didn’t for one second entertain the thought that I might end up hurting someone else! It seems that I have….and I can’t tell you how badly that’s got me in a funk. It’s not sitting well with me at all and I have no clue what to do about it. I very nicely and very gently told the Cameraman this morning that there wouldn’t be a second date. To my surprise and absolute horror, he is devastated. I’ve had a relentless stream of texts banging on about connections and how very special I am to him and what I add  to his life.
Pleading to at least give him another chance. I’ve been as nice as I can but I can’t deal with too much more. I am actually distressed by it.
This is the very first time in my life that someone thinks more highly of me than I  do him. On reflection, that’s kind of pathetic….but it is what it is. It makes me feel bad for any man I’ve been involved with, if they ever felt like I do now. The big difference is that I have met the Cameraman once! There’s no relationship, no connection, no special anything. It’s become weird….and I feel like garbage. 😦

Don’t stop believing. xx

New Territory….

Ok, I couldn’t write about my date with the Cameraman when I got home….because I got home and cried. I’ve had a sleepless night and have been vomiting because of the turmoil.
Here’s how it all played out-
I made very little effort…basic makeup, hair still damp from the shower, jeans.
I called him as I was walking towards our meeting spot so I could see who answered their phone and I could identify him. He answered and looked towards me and said “Is that you I see….please let that be you. You are beautiful. ”
He hugs me and I dodge the lips heading my way. We sit down, he’s already got a beer so I ditch the idea of coffee and go for the wine. We start chatting and he’s pleasant and attentive. He keeps looking at me like that kid looks at the apple pie in American Pie. Constantly says how wonderful I am. Has a family event next month at his sister’s winery. All 9 of his siblings and their families, and his Mum will be there. Would I please go? He would love to show his family his new amazing lady.
Now, there’s nothing really wrong with him. He doesn’t look like Shrek. He’s funny. Has an interesting job. Clearly thinks I’m lovely. Ticks galore right there! But……I sat there like a dead fish. Felt nothing except fear of how to get myself out of this situation.
He kept asking when he would see me again. He went in for the goodnight kiss when I wasn’t expecting it and I missed the chance to dodge it. I now have a bruised lip. He texted 3 times and called last night after I got home. I responded with the fact I was sleepy…goodnight.
Here’s where it’s all new territory for me.
I’ve always been the rejectED. I have never been the rejectER. It’s a tough gig and I feel like the crappiest person in the world. The Cameraman is quite sweet and doesn’t deserve to just have his number blocked with no explanation. I’ll have to figure out some solution that will sit ok with me….and I will. Right now though, I just feel yuck.

Don’t stop believing. xx

No more excuses….

Ok, so the Cameraman called last night to apologise for his drunken behaviour the night before.
Asked me out for coffee tonight….I’ve fobbed him off and fobbed him off but now I have run out of excuses! Coffee it is tonight then. 😦
I may believe in fairytales, but I’m pretty sure the Cameraman is not my prince. I will go with an open mind, but if I’m honest I just want to get it over and done with.

Don’t stop believing. xx